To outlive, and to never forget

These past two days have been tough. Each day can bring a new experience, but these recent experiences are some that I would rather not know again.

Yesterday, I visited my younger cousin in the hospital. He showed remarkable strength on the outside and with his spirit, but that did not change the fact that an infection has stopped much of his digestive tract from functioning. Greater details are not necessary.


David, my younger cousin, showed me and his many loved ones what it means to be courageous, and what it means to love and be loved. He kept his sense of humour, and he struggled to answer each phone call, as he trembled to hold the phone tight to his ear. He reminded each of his callers and family members that he loved us; we reminded him of the same. He was surrounded by many loving souls, and those of us who saw him last night or today saw an amazing young man.

In these moments I can't help but think about my childhood memories of Big Dave. On my Dad's side of the family, he was the youngest cousin among 5 boys and 2 girls. Each of us boys exceeded 6 feet, and at a young age, Dave aspired to join us at that height. He used to convince us that he was the biggest, and later in life, when he really did become one of the biggest, he certainly learned to out-jump us!

He always knew how to find a deal, and he always had an angle on how to meet the demand of a market. In recent times, this included selling burned CDs to his friend, but I was sure that he would eventually go into business professionally.

And now, I see my younger cousin, barely out of high school, and his body is succumbing to tiny cancerous cells and microbial invaders. I am struck by the frailty of the human body and the resilience of the human spirit. I am blessed to have known my cousin, David, for so many years, and to go forward with such great memories.

And I am incredibly forlorn as I think of his young, unfinished life. His unfilled ambitions, goals and dreams. It shouldn't have to happen this way; Mothers, Fathers, older brothers, sisters and cousins, grandmothers, uncles and aunts should not have to watch their son, grandson, nephew, or younger brother or cousin fade away like this.

No, this doesn't seem right.

But, I was truly glad to see Dave last night. As I said, he was in great and courageous spirits, and he never lost his tenacity or sense of humour. One moment, he had a burst of energy and he began to lift and flex his leg. He said, "I've got energy, I might as well use it." It's amazing how profound the words of a teenager can be. Shouldn't we all strive to do what we are able to do with what have have available to us?

After I visited for a few hours, I prepared myself to say goodbye. As I shook his hand and said goodbye, he was the one who told me he loved me first. In that moment, as I returned the kind words, I looked him in the eye, realizing that we had never before exchanged those words. "I love you too, man. I love you," I said as I held his hand for a long, hearty handshake.

"Goodbye," I said, first to Dave, then to my Uncle, Aunt, Mom, Dad, Grandmother and Dave's girlfriend. "Goodbye and take care," I said, to Dave one last time. And then I turned and walked away from the room. This is life, I thought. Those are the people I love, I remarked, as I walked down the hall. And that is my younger cousin. As I turned back to look back at the room, a combination of melancholy and love erupted in me.

I love that guy, he is one hell of a young man and one great cousin. He will be missed. And, he will not be forgotten.

Sovanski, PSN Mix-off, Orange Days

Sovanski
I just returned from a Sovanski open mike appearance, always a good time. Sovanski is an aspiring artist, one who is still growing into his own, and still learning his creative potential. He is also my cousin. Tonight, I heard "Sticks & Stones," and "Ghostwriting" among others. I just love to watch Sovanski stepping onto the stage. I really believe that, in life, there are those who dance, and the rest of us are watching. Sovanski, this was one of your nights to dance, and I was proud to watch tonight.

Pink Shirt Night III Mix-off
Last night Mark and I judged the PSN III - Chicago Mix-off. It was a difficult task, but it was a task I would gladly take on again. There is something simple and wonderful about friends getting together to express our mutual memories in music. I was very impressed with everyone's efforts, and I can't wait to continue listening to these mixes as time goes on. But, I must shout out to the winner, Chico Blanco. Way to go! (Refer to Ceebsinchicago.blogspot.com to see pictures of this event.)

Pink Shirt Night
I finally registered pinkshirtnight.com!!! Don't go there quite yet, it will disappoint you, but expect great things in the not too distant future (as in, after the Roma vacation).

Orange Days
Today, 24 March, is a day to remember orange. The Fighting Illini will play the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee later today at 6:25 PM. If you think of it, wear orange and turn on a television to watch them be doin' it.

Why am I smiling today?

One of many reasons are the two crazy little kids above! It is great to be an uncle!!!

Another reason to smile today? Well, I am currently learning Italian and it is ridiculously fun to repeat after the instructor as I am commuting out to the suburbs. Especially when I add the non-verbal communication!

I am going to be so prepared for my Rome trip! By the time I arrive I should have completed close to 20 half-hour lessons. And most of the lessons are conversations relating to speaking to an Italian woman about going out to dinner or for drinks. This should come in handy!

That's all I've got today. I've got to get back to learning how to ask that signorina out for vino!

Look at these two miracles!!! 

it's been one year

on 13 march, 2004, i went to sleep in my buenos aires hotel. i knew my grandpa had been in the hospital, and i had called my family to find out that he was recovering well from his quadruple bypass surgery. i prayed with my friend valeska for half an hour, i told her some of my favourite grandpa crepinsek stories, we shared a few moments of worry, but i went to bed confident in his ability to recover.

one year ago today, i went to work for day one of our argentina audit. i checked my email messages. i thought it was queer that my mom emailed me three times before 10:00 AM Argentina time; and my eyes swelled as i came to realize why her name repeated in my inbox.

my grandfather had left this earth.

it took me a while to compose myself. my heart sank, i forgot where and why i was. i took a deep breath and a few minutes later asked my senior, "do you think our boss would let me fly home this weekend?" my trembling voice betrayed my feelings.

gratefully, my boss ended up insisting that i go home whenever i wanted so that i could be with my family as long as i needed. i decided to fly back wednesday night to arrive thursday morning, then i sucked up my gut, cleared my head, and tried to work as though i hadn't just lost one of my best friends.

anton john: born 30 july 1918 in mulberry, kansas; deceased 14 march, 2004.

what do i miss most? the simplest of things, the pure joy of stopping by on a sunday afternoon to read the newspaper, drink a domestic beer, sit out on grandpa's deck and tell stories about life. you know, even with his 85 years of life experience, he preferred to hear about my life. he would ask about the ladies, about the travels, about the city. in many ways, he did not comprehend my urban, single life, but he was thoroughly happy for me. he was a genuine fan. he was a great friend. he was my beloved grandpa.

with that in mind, i just cracked open a turbodog beer. gramps, you've never heard of the beer, i know, but this one's for you, and the memories, encouragement and love you gave me. i miss you and love you lots.... your grandson,
---Timoteo

one life that soon shall pass, only that which is done with love shall last

Devlin pondering the world and its various beers. 

a bon voyage

last night the Palacio played host to a gathering to bid devlin a bon voyage. we stayed at the palacio until about 11:00 pm, then continued the fiesta around the corner at grace o'malley's. for the real party-people, the night continued at the wabash crapper until 3:00 am, and finally at the sisters wojcik flat. for me, the night ended as today began; yes, i celebrated devlin's last night out with style!

today, after sleeping the last few hours of the morning and into the afternoon, i went to adam and teresa's house with the palacio boys, olga, eva and two of devlin's friends. we ate some of devlin's famous shrimp spaghetti, drank wine, coffee, and beer, and savoured some great conversation and friendship.

a few moments ago, chris and i dropped devlin off at medellin. so now, three have become two in the palacio. the three of us really have had a great two and a half years. we have become great friends as well as flatmates.

by this time tomorrow, devlin will be approaching the iberian peninsula. to be honest, it is easy to forget how i will miss him because i continue to focus on the greatness of his venture. he will circle the earth, he will satisfy his curiosity, he is doing what most people only talk about doing.

on 27-march i'll be meeting devlin in roma with two other friends. that will be the official send-off, not to mention a chance to see one of the world's great cities with some good friends. until rome, it will not entirely sink in that devlin will be gone for eight months.

nonetheless, this weekend's highlight was wishing devlin a bon voyage.

11-marzo, other thoughts, the palacio diaspora

today marks the anniversary of one of the deadliest 'terrorist' attacks on european soil. at 7:30 AM last year 10 bombs went off on 4 different trains in madrid. imagine that.

i did imagine just that last april as i rode with my parents on one of the previously bombed train lines. i noticed some nervousness in the air. i was toting luggage. were people wondering if i might be carrying a bomb in my luggage?

we in america might tend to forget that september 11 was not the only or the worst atrocity to occur. wars in africa, wars in the middle east, starving mouths, diseased mothers, orphaned children.

with that in mind, how can i justify my afternoon? at 10:00 i left work to watch the fighting illini play in the first round of the big ten tournament. free food, free parking, sitting in the skybox, and my alma mater won! i suppose the important thing is that i enjoy the experience with a touch of grace and heartfelt humility. i am blessed to not get what i deserve, on this earth or in the world to come.

but, after that i came back to work. and, for the first time, i'm blogging from work. my vp, manager, and all the staff have left for the day. it's great, actually, a chance to catch up on some of the projects, i'll stick around until 7:00, but first things first, i have to update the blog!

on 6 september, 2003, i purchased a condo unit that is now known as the palacio. on that same date chris, devlin and i went out for dinner to a little restaurant that someone had recommended to devlin. since then, el nandu has become one of our favourite places. naturally, to honour our last weekend as a trio living in the palacio, chris, devlin and i will be going back to el nandu for dinner. we will end right back at the beginning.

for 2 and a half years i have lived with these guys! it will be strange to see devlin go. even stranger to see him go to thailand, cambodia, india, australia, new zealand, peru, and brazil. i lose my breath just trying to type all of that! but, i really believe it's a great decision for him. he needs to see the world, to get away, to ponder life from the other side, to listen to the small voice in the silence of wandering solitude.

i wonder if he'll come back. my instinct says yes, but that's because i'm projecting my own logical and grounded worldview into his mind. i know him well, but to know how he will decide his fate is something only his Creator knows for sure.

when i write it out, it suddenly becomes real. on 14-march, he will have left. the world will continue to turn, we'll all be doing our thing. and devlin, he will be chasing the sunrise, he'll watch the sun come up more than 200 times again before he'll see it set again over the midwestern prairies.

yes, this world is large, and devlin will discover more of it than most, but even in his considerable wanderings, he will leave many stones unturned.

and so, tonight, i look forward to the ending of an era. the era of 3 boys living together in the palacio: loafing on couches, projecting movies onto the wall, informally selecting official palacio songs, sharing stories, insights, interests, advice, inspiration, watching the sun set...

yes, these were good days, and now these days have passed. now comes a new era, which, too, shall pass. God give me the sincerity, open-mindedness, ambition and humility to savour these days of the next era...

and here it begins...

march 7th, on this date my blog begins. not quite as cool as march fourth. that's the birthday of my first nephew! how cool, i'm sure that he'll march forth into life, how can he go wrong!

so, i've known of blogs for quite a while, but today i was inspired to read my old friend katie's blog: paths converge. then i read my cousin's blog: sharkfinsoup. finally, after reading the blog of katie's 14 year-old brother, spazdude, i decided i had to jump in the pool... i'm expecting great and simple results from this wonderful forum.

back to my nephew: thor aidan. how cool is that name? i held him yesterday, 2 days old. how cool was that? he is less than 8 lbs. he barely keeps his eyes open. he reminds me of my brother and sister-in-law. he is amazing. damn!